Remnants
by rememberese
Summary: That’s why I came to the same picnic table every night. Why I sat there and swung my feet back and forth, counting the minutes since the last time I slept. Why I watched the police tape blow back and forth with the wind.
1. Chapter 1

It's funny. His entire smoke and mirrors act, that is. Disappearing for months at a time, he'd finally gotten off the top of everyone's mind, well, you know, except mine. He never came back to school that year, we all saw Spinner floating down the hallways completely alone, but I suppose Jay just didn't want to make the effort.

I thought about what he'd been doing all this time. He was still a minor, so it wasn't as if he would be working at the Dot twenty-four hours a day. I guess the most obvious place slipped my mind, and that's why it was so much of a surprise when it'd made front page news.

"Toronto Teen Overdoses in Local Ravine," was the line. I'd already gotten the phone call days before it hit the newsstands. It was one of those times where I wished more than anything I could dig some emotion out of myself, but I couldn't. The tears just didn't come out, but in a way, that helped me to be stronger for those who needed it.

Like Liberty. Liberty, who'd been the only one that JT had on his mind for months. Liberty, who'd taken this immature, young, boy and turned him into a more responsible version of himself. They'd loved each other; you'd have to be blind not to see it. And I loved him too, you know? Maybe it was a different kind of love, but it was a friendship that I had valued for years torn away. He was torn away from all of us. He was someone's best friend, someone's boyfriend, the kid who told jokes at lunch, and a boy who never stopped smiling. He didn't deserve it.

Six nights after we'd found out what happened, I decided I couldn't take the restlessness anymore. Like I'd done many nights before, I climbed out my window, and went to the one place I knew I could go to at four am. Past all of that police tape and do not cross lines, sat Jay Hogart. Head down, feet swinging off the picnic table he sat on top of.

This was the perfect time for me to walk away. I didn't know him anymore, and I certainly didn't owe him anything. The desperation was dripping from his body and I quickly became fascinated with seeing him in a position of vulnerability. With each step that I took closer was a reminder of why I shouldn't be doing this. Everything he's ever done has hurt me, he wasn't there when I needed him, he took advantage of me, and these were the reasons that ran through my mind. Still, I kept walking, and when I got close enough to see my cold breath blow out towards his neck, I tapped him on the shoulder.

He lifted his head and turned around to face me, pursing his lips as he did so. We just stared for a bit, the silence wasn't that of the awkward variety, but the necessary one.

"What…what are you doing here?" was all that I was able to get out.

He played with the face of his watch, averting his eyes from mine.

"I've got nowhere else to go," he said.

"I read, about what you did, you know? Calling an ambulance, it was the right thing. It was the only thing you could do…and I know, since the outcome wasn't what it should have been you don't get much credit, but…" I trailed off.

"Yeah, I'm just a regular hero."

The sarcasm in his voice was overwhelming.

"You know why he was down here; you're smart, I'm sure you've figured it out by now."

"Yeah…I know. But it wasn't you who shoved those pills down his throat, Jay, you didn't do that."

"Yeah, but if I hadn't put the thought in his head…"

"Then what, he would have found some other way of getting out, there was something eating at him, and that something wasn't you."

"That's three, you know? Three. Rick, JT, and you."

"What do you mean? I'm standing right here, hearts still pumping, breaths are still coming out."

"But you aren't the same."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that."

"I know, but don't take too much credit, it wasn't about you."

"I knew that. That's the whole thing, it's not about me, but I'm always there, right on the periphery of all the destruction. I'm sick of being that guy, but what can I do? Take it back? Never show up at the pharmacy that day, never pull any of those pranks on Rick, and never…hurt you. I fucking wish I could, but I can't. The only thing I can do is live with it."

"You should go home, get some sleep."

"Easier said than done, Princess, easier said than done."

And we both knew that was the truth. After days of thinking about what went wrong, all we could do was sit there, on that picnic table and wonder what we could have done differently.

"This place is really evil, you know. I can't think of one good thing that's come out of it unscathed. Its weird being here when it's so…empty."

"Police tape and remnants of an investigation aren't the biggest attraction for teens with booze. Though I'm sure something is going on tonight, just a new location."

"It's sickening," I said as my stomach churned.

"Hey, what about Liberty?"

"What about her, she's sick, sick as hell over this. How would you expect her to feel?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Go ahead."

"The reason he was doing all of this, selling, using, you know? It was because he needed the money."

"I'm not following."

"He needed the money, because he had to get ready for having a family. Liberty, she's pregnant."

And with that, everything that'd we'd previously believed became a lie. It was a defining moment, the moment where you say, "If I'd only known, none of this would have happened." Was that true or was it just a lie we'd tell ourselves to make it all easier? No one knew, but we all said it through our pale, distraught faces.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I guess you could say this is the prequel to the first chapter or a prologue f some sorts, but I like the way it fits backwards so I am going to keep it in this order. I wasn't expecting to add anything else, but after the episode last night I got inspiration. Read, review, etc.

The second he started to throw up, I knew I had made a mistake. I flashed back to the first time I'd come down here. I was thirteen, grade eight, and I'd been roping in the new customers for Aaron.

"Get 'em hooked early," he'd always say.

And there I was, hooked. Hooked on the adrenaline and the risk that came with every deal. Hooked on the pain I'd face if I happened to fuck the slightest thing up. There was something to be said for being young and stupid. I just didn't know any better. Now that I was seventeen, I did. I had nothing else.

Aaron was on my case for the next week about getting the rest of the oxy. His threats weren't anything new to me, but I'd see him put guys a lot bigger than JT in the hospital for a lot less than making him wait for business. The only thing I could do was speed up the process, and JT practically being choked to death by a guy twice his size was speeding up the process.

When he came that night, it was more than apparent that something was wrong. He didn't have that goofy, clown boy, dawg fries look on his face. I was already buzzed, but it was obvious he had showed up for more than just fulfilling his commitment to Aaron. As I watched him drop the pills and the anger growing on Aaron's face, I realized it was time for me to take care of the problem that I started.

"Hey, easy. Easy, I got him. I got him," I shouted at Aaron until he backed away.

And here comes the crash. Guilt is not something that I've felt often. Maybe I really am nothing more than a robot, made of scrap metal and wires. Emotions mean nothing to me, they are foreign. There are only two times in my entire life that I can even remember feeling remorse about something that I've done. Both those times happened in the same week, so maybe I can blame it on faulty wiring. The first was cheating on Alex. The second was letting whatever happened between Emma and I, well, happen. Our relationship, if that's what one would call it, had never been ideal. However, underneath all of those fights and arguments had always been this unexplainable sexual tension. Maybe because growing up, the only romantic relationship I'd ever known was based on fights and shouting. When she was angrily criticizing me on pollution or stealing her Daddy's precious laptop I couldn't help but feel proud that I'd finally gotten to her. Gotten underneath her skin. And then I did again, except this time it was physically. It was the first time I'd ever felt something for a girl besides pure physical lust. But Emma Nelson is Emma Nelson and she didn't date guys that spent most of their free time getting wasted in some ravine. She was meant for guys like Sean, the ones with a hero complex. And the fact of the matter was that no matter how hard I had tried, it was Sean who saved her life, not me.

JT had the same look of vulnerability on his face that Emma had the first time she met me down here.

"Come on man, it'll be okay," I told him.

"It's okay? I lost my girl," he replied me.

I flashed on Alex, and how she told me to never talk to her again.

"I lost my best friend."

I remembered the look on Sean's face when we said goodbye.

"I lost my job, and my family. And now I'm probably going to jail."

I thought about trying to explain to my Mom why I was kicked out of school. The way she looked at me, like there was no hope left.

He'd done it. Somehow in this past week everything that he'd done had led him to a point that had taken me years to get to. So I told him to do the only thing that I knew made me feel better. My mantra, my philosophy, and the only thing I had left.

"At least there's a party."

The next thing that I remember was shaking his body and screaming for someone to get my car. But no one listened, and no one cared. I dragged him over to my car, yelling his name with each and every step. I sprawled him across the back seat and put the key in the ignition, hoping that I'd be able to make it. The road was blurry, or maybe it was my eyes, I was too drunk to tell. I didn't have control of the wheel, we swerved, but even that didn't wake him up. I kept one hand on the wheel, and put the other in my pocket to grab for my cell phone. I pulled over in front of the Dot as I called for an ambulance.

"This kid, I found him passed out at the Dot," I slurred.

Soon enough the flashing lights showed up, and while one man pulled him out of my backseat and into the ambulance, the other questioned me.

"What did he take?"

I paused.

"Kid, it's his life."

"Oxycodone, I'm not sure how much. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he just fell over."

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"Get in the ambulance, you aren't in any condition to drive yourself home, it's bad enough you tried to get this far."

There was no time to argue. The waiting room was bright and hurt my eyes, so I closed them, opening them only when I would hear the door swing open.

Liberty. I started, wondering how I hadn't noticed her stomach before. How no one had, it was Degrassi's best kept secret. Her parents were not far behind her, frantically questioning the receptionist at the desk. She was in a daze, her eyes meeting mine and burning a hole through me. She knew. She knew, but she backed away without saying a word because she thought had bigger things to worry about. And she was right.

That's why I came to the same picnic table every night. Why I sat there and swung my feet back and forth, counting the minutes since the last time I slept. Why I watched the police tape blow back and forth with the wind. Why I stared at the empty bottles across the ground, and why I flipped every one of those stupid lawn chairs upside down. They were the remnants. The remnants of everything JT Yorke had stood for during his short existence on this planet.


End file.
